Comments on: Geese Rise | Birds haiku poem example | 020209

By: Dave Bonta

Dave Bonta — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 04:12:08 +0000

it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
for me, too.

By: Ken Wagner

Ken Wagner — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:16:51 +0000

Dave – Yes, I hit “Publish” too soon. Strange, though – it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.

Was that clear? Have I gotten past my own wet brain? Goodness – was that, well, good? Bring on the light, the air, the critics!

Qrystal – I always welcome the creative suggestions of a fellow traveler. Stick with 5-7-5. Enjoyment is the signal that you are doing good work.

Dread smothers.

haikuexpeditions – Thanks for the encouragement!

By: haikuexpeditions

haikuexpeditions — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:03:28 +0000

Good as it is…
Unless you mean to talk of impermanence…
Geese rise
In morning light…
My footprints on sand

It is all about ‘your’ haiku moment.
sr

Http://thehaikumoment.wordpress.com
Http://haikuexpeditions.com

By: Qrystal

Qrystal — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:43:37 +0000

I’m sure you were one of the people suggesting I try breaking free from 5-7-5, but I just like it SO MUCH, I’m going to write my own version of your above haiku here:

In the morning light,
geese rise… as I take a step
onto the wet stand.

I do this out of the joy I found in your poem, and mean no disrespect in rewriting it! Kudos to your ever-vigilant haiku-ing.

By: Dave Bonta

Dave Bonta — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:12:53 +0000

I think the revision was wise. Now the reader is led much more clearly to picture the contrast between rising and sinking, flying and walking.

By: Ken Wagner

Ken Wagner — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 02:41:31 +0000

Was –
Geese rise
in morning light . . . Footsteps
on wet sand.