Haiku Habits

6 responses so far ↓

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  Ken Wagner // February 2, 2009 at 9:41 pm | Reply

  Was –
  Geese rise
  in morning light . . . Footsteps
  on wet sand.

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  Dave Bonta // February 2, 2009 at 11:12 pm | Reply

  I think the revision was wise. Now the reader is led much more clearly to picture the contrast between rising and sinking, flying and walking.

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  Qrystal // February 3, 2009 at 2:43 pm | Reply

  I’m sure you were one of the people suggesting I try breaking free from 5-7-5, but I just like it SO MUCH, I’m going to write my own version of your above haiku here:

  In the morning light,
  geese rise… as I take a step
  onto the wet stand.

  I do this out of the joy I found in your poem, and mean no disrespect in rewriting it! Kudos to your ever-vigilant haiku-ing.

• 

  haikuexpeditions // February 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm | Reply

  Good as it is…
  Unless you mean to talk of impermanence…
  Geese rise
  In morning light…
  My footprints on sand

  It is all about ‘your’ haiku moment.
  sr

  Http://thehaikumoment.wordpress.com
  Http://haikuexpeditions.com

• 

  Ken Wagner // February 3, 2009 at 7:16 pm | Reply

  Dave – Yes, I hit “Publish” too soon. Strange, though – it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.

  Was that clear? Have I gotten past my own wet brain? Goodness – was that, well, good? Bring on the light, the air, the critics!

  Qrystal – I always welcome the creative suggestions of a fellow traveler. Stick with 5-7-5. Enjoyment is the signal that you are doing good work.

  Dread smothers.

  haikuexpeditions – Thanks for the encouragement!

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  Dave Bonta // February 3, 2009 at 11:12 pm | Reply

  it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
  for me, too.