Geese rise
in morning light . . . I step
onto wet sand.
Ken Wagner on Haiku Habits
Geese rise
in morning light . . . I step
onto wet sand.
Ken Wagner on Haiku Habits
Categories: Haiku Poems About Birds
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Please feel free to leave a comment, suggestion, or response to any haiku or senryu poem that you like or think could be better.
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6 responses so far ↓
Ken Wagner // February 2, 2009 at 9:41 pm |
Was –
Geese rise
in morning light . . . Footsteps
on wet sand.
Dave Bonta // February 2, 2009 at 11:12 pm |
I think the revision was wise. Now the reader is led much more clearly to picture the contrast between rising and sinking, flying and walking.
Qrystal // February 3, 2009 at 2:43 pm |
I’m sure you were one of the people suggesting I try breaking free from 5-7-5, but I just like it SO MUCH, I’m going to write my own version of your above haiku here:
In the morning light,
geese rise… as I take a step
onto the wet stand.
I do this out of the joy I found in your poem, and mean no disrespect in rewriting it! Kudos to your ever-vigilant haiku-ing.
haikuexpeditions // February 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm |
Good as it is…
Unless you mean to talk of impermanence…
Geese rise
In morning light…
My footprints on sand
It is all about ‘your’ haiku moment.
sr
Http://thehaikumoment.wordpress.com
Http://haikuexpeditions.com
Ken Wagner // February 3, 2009 at 7:16 pm |
Dave – Yes, I hit “Publish” too soon. Strange, though – it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
Was that clear? Have I gotten past my own wet brain? Goodness – was that, well, good? Bring on the light, the air, the critics!
Qrystal – I always welcome the creative suggestions of a fellow traveler. Stick with 5-7-5. Enjoyment is the signal that you are doing good work.
Dread smothers.
haikuexpeditions – Thanks for the encouragement!
Dave Bonta // February 3, 2009 at 11:12 pm |
it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
for me, too.