I pause -
the heavy air on
wet leaves.
Ken Wagner on Haiku Habits
Wet Leaves | Leaves haiku poem example | 112408
Filed under Haiku Poems About Leaves
I pause -
the heavy air on
wet leaves.
Ken Wagner on Haiku Habits
Filed under Haiku Poems About Leaves
I’m finding it difficult to focus here, Ken. What is it about this that made you pause? What does “then move on” add?
Well, you’ve got my number. I’ve been vague all my life. Sometime I’m not even sure what I’m talking about!
I was trying to capture the break into awareness/pause/return to routine.
How’s this:
Wet leaves,
heavy air, pause
then steps.
Isn’t the resuming of the steps understood? If it wasn’t, you’d still be standing there. And I think “pause” already means it is temporary.
I don’t know what exactly made you pause, and maybe you don’t either. If so, it could be something like:
Wet leaves, heavy air,
something made me pause
in my steps.
Original -
Stepping on wet leaves,
hollow pats, heavy air.
I pause, then move on.
Image by takomabibelot via Flickr
Yes. I liked “heavy air” better, though. And there seems no need for “on” not being on the third line. But, yes.
Let’s try “heavy” again!
Had been -
I pause
in thick air on
wet leaves.
Maybe the problem is, that there is no pause at all in the haiku itself. Which somehow negates the idea of the pause you mention. It diminishes the urgency.
I try not to use the ellipsis too often, some haikuists use it all the time, but maybe here it could do wonders.
Rearranging your words I get:
In heavy air
I pause…
on wet leaves.
I think this may work -
I pause -
the heavy air on
wet leaves.
What do you think? I like the dash and rhythm, but does “on” work?
If you think “on” doesn’t work, use “and”. Same rhythm, better repetition of eh-sounds (but you have three of those already).
Was -
I pause
in heavy air on
wet leaves.