Are you sure it wouldn’t get better using articles? If it becomes too long to your liking, you could consider skipping or changing the third line (it’s a bit redundant as it is now).
Yes. There’s just one thing bothering me (a bit), the thing that bothers me most in most of my own haiku as well: the so-called “so what” factor.
I think that’s the hardest of all. Haiku generally are too short to impress by clever language alone, so how keep them interesting? How to steer between the Scylla and Charybdis? At one side there’s haiku with too clever “I bet you’ve never seen this” images, and at the other side there’s the “so what” images, both to be avoided, I think. This is what makes haiku so hard to do.
Good point. The challenge is spot on. This was definitely a magical moment – the first fall scent swirl for a spirited and curious dog. So lets try again.
Was -
A warm breeze swirls.
My poodle lifts his nose
to the sky.
“Inhaling”…, like it! You could also have him inhale autumn, from what you’re telling here. Would that work? The rhythm of “inhaling sky” is better, I think.
9 responses so far ↓
aj3d // November 25, 2008 at 4:20 pm |
Are you sure it wouldn’t get better using articles? If it becomes too long to your liking, you could consider skipping or changing the third line (it’s a bit redundant as it is now).
Ken Wagner // November 25, 2008 at 10:11 pm |
How about -
Warm breeze swirls.
Poodle lifts his nose to
sky.
Adriaan // November 26, 2008 at 3:45 am |
This way it sounds as if “Poodle” is the dog’s name. Why not this:
A warm breeze swirls,
a poodle lifts his nose
to the sky.
or
A warm breeze swirls,
a poodle points nose and tail
to the sky.
Ken Wagner // November 26, 2008 at 9:15 pm |
Original -
Warm breeze swirls.
Poodle lifts nose to sky,
inhaling the scene.
Adriaan // November 27, 2008 at 3:22 am |
Yes. There’s just one thing bothering me (a bit), the thing that bothers me most in most of my own haiku as well: the so-called “so what” factor.
I think that’s the hardest of all. Haiku generally are too short to impress by clever language alone, so how keep them interesting? How to steer between the Scylla and Charybdis? At one side there’s haiku with too clever “I bet you’ve never seen this” images, and at the other side there’s the “so what” images, both to be avoided, I think. This is what makes haiku so hard to do.
Ken Wagner // November 27, 2008 at 8:39 pm |
Good point. The challenge is spot on. This was definitely a magical moment – the first fall scent swirl for a spirited and curious dog. So lets try again.
Was -
A warm breeze swirls.
My poodle lifts his nose
to the sky.
Adriaan // November 28, 2008 at 4:21 am |
“Inhaling”…, like it! You could also have him inhale autumn, from what you’re telling here. Would that work? The rhythm of “inhaling sky” is better, I think.
Ken Wagner // November 28, 2008 at 7:50 pm |
Yes, I like it better now. I read it to Rocco – the poodle – and he likes it, too! Thanks.
Adriaan // November 29, 2008 at 5:54 am |
Woof